WASHINGTON, D.C. — The presidential address to the nation was intended to be a brief message of hope and resilience for Americans facing a possible COVID-19 surge, but ended up lasting hours as President Biden kept trying to pronounce “Omicron” correctly.
“I’ll tell you what, America’s unvaccinated lower class are in for a real whuppin’ with the surge of this new variant they call Omnomicromicon… Omnicormorant, Obercrombie, Omnibus, Comic-Con,” said the leader of the free world, squinting into the teleprompter, “Oblong Prawn, Amish Pawn, Auger Spawn…”
An hour into Biden’s attempt to say a simple, three-syllable word, some members of the White House press corps could be heard snoring, and the video feed began tilting upward toward the ceiling as the camera operator dozed off.
Hope returned to the press room after three hours, though, as many thought Biden had correctly enunciated the name of the mild variant, but staffers clarified that he had actually said, “Balmy Cob,” followed by, “Otter Crop, Mommy Clod, Clammy Lawn, Only Fawns, Olmec’s Crop Top…”
Sources expect Biden’s address to be completed by the time the next variant is announced.